alone again (naturally)

human relationships were strange. i mean you were with one person for a while, eating and sleeping and living with them, loving them, talking to them, going places together and then it stopped. then there was a short period when you weren't with anybody, then another woman arrived, and you ate with her and you fucked her, and it all seemed so normal, as if you had been waiting just for her and she had been waiting for you. i never felt right being alone; sometimes it felt good but it never felt right.

nothing was ever in tune. people just blindly grabbed at whatever there was: communism, health foods, zen, surfing, ballet, hypnotism, group encounters, orgies, biking, herbs, catholicism, weight-lifting, travel, withdrawal, vegetarianism, india, painting, writing, sculpting, composing, conducting, backpacking, yoga, copulating, gambling, drinking, hanging around, frozen yogurt, beethoven, back, buddha, christ, tm, h, carrot juice, suicide, handmade suits, jet travel, new york city, and then it all evaporated and fell apart. people had to find things to do while waiting to die. i guess it was nice to have a choice.

i wanted the whole world or nothing.

charles bukowski